True essential self.

Buddha stated that the cause of suffering is confusion about what we really are due to the lack of knowledge of our true essential self. The experience of our true essential self is one of being unfragmented, unseparated, and fully connected—a state of unity, experiencing ourselves as a whole before any separation occurs. So what perpetuates our state of confusion is our unawareness of this essential experience as wholeness.

Wholeness is always present; we have to actively separate from it, often by incessantly thinking. Understanding how we actively separate day to day, minute to minute, is the path to reintegration into wholeness. There are no deliberate 'bad guys' causing confusion; mostly, it is the result of overwhelming traumatic experiences with other disconnected humans. The good news is that when we successfully reintegrate our separated parts, we experience ourselves as whole, and there are very efficient tools to assist in reintegrating them. Mindfulness, Parts Work, Magical Passes, Shielding, Dreamspell, and yoga are a few very effective practices I found consistently working for everyone who learned to use them.

The first time that we succeed in reintegrating a separated part can change our relationship to ourselves and to life in a very palpable way; we will begin to perceive the reality of wholeness or at least be aware that it is here. The collection of our separated parts is what we call ego and unconsciousness.

I find that the traumatized parts not only mistrust life situations but, as a way of protecting themselves, actually embrace resistance as the way of life and lose their ability to trust. I see this resistance as a part of my psyche (this life and maybe before) that has become separated, overwhelmed, and frozen by traumatic life experiences. I believe that the ego is a collection of these parts. I see frustrations and resentment as symptoms of these parts. When I am successful in identifying, loving, and integrating a part of the ego, I get momentary glimpses of a transcendent state until the next part takes over. But as each part is reintegrated, I feel more at home, calmer, and more capable of staying present.

I think that there might be a difference between what the old traditional ways are offering and what it takes modern Westerners to become realized. For us, the overwhelm is greater, the trauma deeper, and the defenses of the ego much, much thicker. Two thousand years ago, when a student came to the teacher, the teacher took a small hammer, hit the student's ego wall with it, the wall crumbled, the teacher pointed out the way, and told them to practice, and that was enough. Today, the teacher is still there after years of hammering the ego wall and still not getting through. Today's approach almost needs to be more like sculpting stone, rather than cracking a nut; it takes a lot more effort, time, and patience. And there is a lot more friction here that the traditional teachings may not be able to accommodate. In the old cultures, people did what the teachers said; today, teachers are given the bird behind their backs or to their face. :) We are more split, more defended, more traumatized, and with a stronger sense of separation. We identify more with our separated personas.

I like to think of my parts like bungee cords; no matter how far I go, they snap me back to the same state when the initial traumatic experience took place, until I do the work of identifying them, turning toward them with love and empathy, and helping them reintegrate by being the parent to them that I wished I had. :) And then do it again for as many parts as it takes. This turning inward has become a way of life. I am celebrating when I find the part these days; that is how I know I am growing. And this growing itself is becoming the joy, the direction, the way.

The agenda of the parts is to resist any emotion that feels like the original overwhelming emotion that caused separation. Our experience of ourselves as a whole is indivisible from our experience of the present moment. By resisting difficult emotions, we actively separate from the present moment. Any individual human being has a number of habitual ways to separate from having to feel difficult emotions and consequently separate from the present moment and our experience of ourselves as a whole self and its always present attribute of awareness, peace, love, and well-being. When we separate from the present experience by resisting a difficult emotion, for example, we experience ourselves as a small, limited entity in competition with the world, and this causes suffering experienced as the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, frustration, impatience, fear, anger, resentment, pride, vanity, shame, and guilt, to name a few. 

We usually project the cause of the difficult emotions onto others around us. When we become aware of the difficult emotions originating from our separated parts and turn toward them with empathy, patience, and a willingness to feel the difficult emotions, the part reintegrates. When the part reintegrates, we often experience the feeling of wholeness for a while until the next part takes over our awareness. Each time we do the work, our ability to remain present grows stronger.

Vipassana Primer

Vipassana Primer

Vipassana meditation is a non sectarian, straightforward, and direct path to the realization of Self, it was taught by Buddha after his awakening.

The most important point to remember is that: 

“You are here to work and the work is not to think!”

This sounds simple and it will become so, but at first it is not easy and it will require your complete attention and commitment. The commitment is to stay present, not “trance out”, not fall asleep, and not let thinking distract. Everything in the course is set up to help you do just that, so that you have the opportunity to see for yourself what you are beyond the thinking mind. 

Understand that what you are looking for is beyond the thinking mind.

Thinking and words are symbols, abstractions, and concepts, what you’re looking for is an actual felt, experiential, realization of the self, a recognition of continuity of self that is here when you’re sleeping, when you’re dreaming, when you’re not thinking. Once you see it, the realization is very simple. That is what ‘Self-realization’ means.  You simply recognize the self that has always been here all along and that it is you, your real, true, essential self. It is simple, but it's not easy because most of us don’t have enough focus and strength to not think for 7 minutes, much less 7 days and then be able to maintain the sense of self found there.

But it's okay, that is what vipassana is. It’s a bootcamp that will teach you the basics and practically show you how to get stronger.  It takes a bit of effort initially to get past the layers of the thinking mind. I feel that it takes at least 3 days of all out ‘not thinking’ to get past all the mind layers, and that’s why vipassana is so valuable. Where else will you have the time to not think, where everything is provided for you so you can do just that?

For most people not thinking is impossible, even the attempt to not think sets the mind into the overdrive with thought. Try thinking about not thinking and you will find out very quickly that it is a difficult task. Thankfully Vipassana will teach you how to bypass thinking. I will leave most of the instruction to the teachers and just share the following with you. It turns out that we can not think and feel the sensations in the body at the same time. It is true, check for yourself. When your attention is occupied by thought you can not feel the sensation and when all of you attention is on feeling the sensation, you are not thinking. All you need to do to not think is give all of your attention ruthlessly and with total finality, to the feeling of sensation. Completely refuse a thought to interfere. I imagine walls on both sides of my head as I actively push away thoughts fixing my attention with every ounce of focus on feeling the sensation.

Thoughts will get through! A lot! Don't get mad, sad, or discouraged, just notice that you stopped feeling the sensation and simply return to it. Don’t fight it or kick the thinking mind, I find it best to just treat it the way you would a favorite pet that’s distracting you from work that’s due tomorrow. Develop a friendly relationship with it. Tell it that it can go do whatever it wants and that you’ll just be right here, sensing, let it go but don’t go with it. Remember, “You are here to work and the work is not to think.!”

During the course, the thinking mind will come in and try to distract you by telling you that that’s enough, to take it easy, that you can do more later. Acknowledge the mind but don’t believe it. Don't trust your thoughts. Understand that what the thinking mind is telling you is not actually true,  the mind has an agenda and the agenda is to distract your attention.  That does not mean that the thinking mind is an enemy, the mind is simply doing what it knows best--to doubt, distract, entertain, entice, escape, all to defend you from the direct gaze into the unknown. Don't trust your thoughts, doesn't mean demonize them nor does it mean to stop trusting your thoughts forever, just while you are on the sit. Remember what you are looking for can not be found in the thinking mind. 

You will have to trust someone above your own thoughts and be willing to receive instruction to leave the place you are at currently. Just commit to doing exactly what is asked of you to the best of your ability. If you think of yourself as being stuck in a well, you will need to trust teachers helping hand that pulls you out. Once you're out, meaning that you have a personal experience of your true, essential self, you are free to choose the rest of the path for yourself. During my first vipassana I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t know if Goenkaji, the teacher, is a fully enlightened being, but he is more enlightened than I am in the moment, and that’s enough for me to be able to trust his instruction, to accept his guidance over my own thoughts for the 10 days, and take his hand to help my self up.”

You can always question your experience, the teachings  and realizations after the sit, just don't let the doubts cheat you of a chance to have the experience of the real self while at the sit.

Look at your relationship with pain. After making sure that you are not in danger of injuring yourself, give the pain your full attention by moving into its very center rather than away, make friends with it, see what it is asking of you, look deeply into it and see what it is made of. My partner always thanks her body for going through this with her, lets it know how much she appreciates its presence, and how wonderful it is doing.

Notice how 2 minutes before the bell rings the mind goes on its most aggressive offensive, trying to convince you that you can’t go on, to make you move! Experiment with not going with it! 

Every-time you make it to the bell, adds to your power and it’s cumulative. Don’t berate yourself if you don’t, but see how this 2 minutes rule is true and make the effort to go just 2 minutes more, everytime you feel that you can’t go any further.

Commit!

I believe that vipassana is the quickest, most direct, and distraction-free way to learn how to really meditate. Appreciate your time here, don’t waste it. Put aside any doubt and commit from the very beginning to simply do what the teacher asks of you to the best of your ability.

I like to print out and sign the following before each course:

“I _______________________(your name) commit with un-resistance and unconditional love to do my best and allow myself to be  guided by the teacher and teacher assistants and staff even if I think I know better in the moment. I commit to remain open and to receive the most I can from the teaching and do my best with my time here. So I will and so mote it be!”

______________________________

       Your signature here.

No meditation is the same as the other.

Take each meditation period, each minute, as its own thing, on its own merit. Do not think about it in terms of having to sit for hours or days. Do not give your attention to anything except this minute this hour. Take each sit, each minute, as its own thing. 

Each time when your mind tries to convince you that the present conundrum will never end, don’t believe it. Remember that there is absolutely nothing that the thinking mind can offer you in terms of realizing the self and everything, but everything it brings to the table is meant to distract.

The only regret I ever had after the course is that I did not work hard enough. Don’t miss the opportunity provided, don’t leave any room for doubt, give every moment everything you have. 

Having said that, make sure to pick your battles. You will get distracted, lose your focus, give in to the thinking mind and that’s okay, don’t beat yourself up for not knowing how to do something you don’t know how to do, you’re just learning, just reset and start again. And there will be times when you’ll know that nothing can stop you, that today is the day! This is the time to throw everything you have behind this certainty, refuse to be distracted, to think, to move and with every stubborn molecule in your being, break through to the other side and see what is awaiting you just beyond.

If they can do it, so can you! 

As difficult as the course may feel at any specific moment, just remember that if everyone else here can do it, is doing it, so can you!

Enjoy the dive!